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Why watch ‘War for the Planet of the Apes’ when I have the ‘Top 5 Monkey Movies’ right here?

Why watch War for the Planet of the Apes when I have the ‘Top 5 Monkey Movies’ right here?

Monkeys are scary as fuck, so I understand you wanting to hit the theater, grab some popcorn, and watch them kill the human race.  It is a sickness we have, like wanting to watch Big Bang Theory, we hate ourselves and want to abuse our minds.

Well, here are my Top 5 Monkey Movies:

Trading Places

Watch the scene above. If you don’t, you won’t be able to forgive yourself. We have Dan Ackroyd in blackface, Eddie Murphy doing the most racist African act ever, and a man in a monkey suit upstaged by Jim Belushi in a worse monkey suit. This one could have been number 1 – if you were a PERV, as it ends with a “furry” getting sodomized by a gorilla.

Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan

Whenever I get a chance to post a Christopher Lambert movie, I am compelled to do so (I love you, Chris). For the sake of this list, the movie is jam packed full of monkeys, but the monkey I submit for your consideration is Greystoke himself. He is cool, charming, has sex with Andy McDowell, all with a sprinkle of monkey acting. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE MAN-MONKEY!

The Wizard of Oz

This loveable children’s classic showcases the flying cockroach of movie monkeys. These creepy bastards created generations of kids who were horrified by primates. They are pure punk rock: blue, with fucking mo-hawks, they fly like bats, and they have long rat tails. Shit, I would pit these freaky bastards against the planetary apes of modern cinema any day.

King Kong

No one is going to like this. No one. Haha. My favorite King Kong is the 2005 Naomi Watts version. In the scene above he battles a slew of T-Rexes. Holy shit man, it is epic when he rips that one’s jaw open, and then rock smashes another’s head, all while saving her life. I felt the love he had for her, and of all the monster movies I have ever watched, this one made me cry. God bless you, Peter Jackson.

Every Which Way but Loose

Hahaha, it had an orangoutang that flips people off and punches them. Hahaha, someone says, “Right turn, Clyde” and the monkey uses his super strength (seven times stronger than a man) to closed-fist punch humans in the face. LOL. Did I mention he also flips them off?


And you people are wasting your money on a movie with a bunch of tiny monkeys (that never flip anyone off)? Let’s get back on track, America