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Forget “Spiderman: Homecoming” – Here are the Top 5 Spiders in Movies

Forget Spiderman: Homecoming – Here are the Top 5 Spiders in Movies

To most people, spiders are creepy as hell.  Well, they freak me the F out.  I seem to always walk into their webs, and I get bites all the time.  If you’ve ever wanted to see a grown man cry, watch me trying to fend off an insect 1/1000th my size.  That said while everyone else is out taking in the new Spiderman: Homecoming, I am skipping it.  So here is the top list of alternate spider movies, man:

5. Eight Legged Freaks

Believe it or not, there was a time when David Arquette had a little clout. He’d just come off his third Scream movie; and he had fooled the powers that be into thinking they could bank on him to make an awesomely titled, throwback to the B monster movies of the 50s. I guess you could say they were half right. I thought it was great, and that he sucked in it. Go back in time and throw Bruce Campbell in the lead; NOW we are cooking with gas. That said, it has my #2 crush from Sliders, Kari Wuhrer, it has a very young Scarlett Johansson, and I loved the spider carnage most of all. Plus, who doesn’t love to hear “Get back you eight-legged freaks!”

4. Charlotte’s Web

This is going to be by far the coolest and most sympathetic spider on my list. Charlotte!!! I read the book, I cried. I watched the movie, I cried. It is a wonderful story about being worthless and finding your worth. Being treated like “just a piece of meat”, which I am, all too often. STOP LADIES! I fell in love with the 1973 version when I was a kid, but I think the 2006 Dakota Fanning version does the story justice. God bless you Charlotte! (Picture that written… a web….)

3. Arachnophobia

I feel like Arachnophobia has been lost in the waves of time. No one talks about it. I thought it was delightful and scary. John Goodman has never been gooder, man. (Kill me now). He was creepy, and gross, and completely out of control. Jeff Daniels was there too, playing Jeff Daniels. The spiders made my skin crawl, and it was a throwback to those late 80’s films about people trying to get out of the big city and make a like in the sticks. (Beetlejuice, Funny Farm). I wanted that too, and the spiders ruined it for me. Shout out to Julian Sands, one of my favorite creepy supporting actors of the 80s.

2. Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Best spider on the list so far in terms of creepiness and backstory? I think so. Shelob the giant spider is a thing of nightmares. I guess I am biased here as I have read the books a number of times, and loved the movies. I think the universe Tolkien created is mysterious, and exciting, and wonderful. So when Shelob captures Frodo and Sam comes to his rescue (why does everyone hate on Sam all the time), it was an act of true bravery; and Shelob was truly terrifying.

1. The Believers

This may be a controversial top choice, I don’t know of many people who actually saw this flick, but it broke my brain. In the 80’s Voodoo was all the rage (Serpent and the Rainbow, Angel Heart), so this came at a perfect time. The story has the classic mix of Voodoo and Satanism, people doing ritual sacrifice, women getting electrocuted in pools of spilled milk, intestines full of snakes. Directed by the same guy (John Schlesinger) who made Marathon Man, Midnight Cowboy, and Billy Liar (Tom Courteney FTW), it is a mysterious, thrilling movie. So, the spiders. There is a scene late in the film where Martin Sheen’s girlfriend is seen putting makeup over a volcanic pimple. She then looks in the mirror and sees that the lump is moving; tension builds as an 80 phone starts ringing…. cracking sounds….then….IT ERUPTS AND A BUNCH OF FUCKING SPIDERS COME OUT! It was horrible, and skin crawling. Life defeating. Oh god.